Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
