cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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