i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
