So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
