It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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