I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
