i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
