I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
