She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
