In America we eat man semen.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I supernannyed him into submission
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
