Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
