So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
