i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
