just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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