You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
