You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
