is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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