I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
