I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
