Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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