I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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