Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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