Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
