I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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