I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize