"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
