all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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