i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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