So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
