I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
