Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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