I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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