I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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