I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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