I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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