at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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