I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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