They should really pass out barf bags in church
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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