My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
