The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
