He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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