So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
