Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
