rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
