i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
