Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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