I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
