Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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