They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
