Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
