sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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