for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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