Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
