tell your sister to shave her snatch
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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