I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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