Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize