My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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